The End of the Innocence

Wow, that was...anti-climactic.

I've been home for four hours, and the only thing I can say right now about the whole experience is that it feels like I took a really long, refreshing nap.

Everyone who's been through this was correct -- the worst part is the prep, and even that wasn't all that taxing. Actually, the very worst part was the gown; I know they're trying with the printed pattern, but fashionably speaking, it was a disaster. What not to wear, indeed.

After putting on the muumuu, the nurses took a full history while hooking up my IV. Let me tell you, that nurse with the needle was the consummate pro. I didn't feel a pinch or anything. I knew I was in good hands from that moment on.

I got wheeled into the procedure room and noticed the two large flat screens looming over my head. I was having what I thought was a pleasant, engaging conversation with Dr. Adams and the nurse, and then POOF! The next thing I knew, they were telling me I was done and there's nothing to worry about, everything's clear and healthy.

I only have a vague recollection of being in recovery. Your colon isn't PVC pipe, so they have to inflate it with a tiny stream of air to get a look around. Since the air doesn't blow back out of you like a deflating balloon, it all has to work its way out naturally. Publicly. With the lovely Snow Princess sitting next to me as I made a spectacle of myself.

I dressed wobbily, got wheeled out to the van, and hopped in. My stomach was turning, so Stephanie had to take it easy around the turns. After a short while, I decided I was better off riding the rest of the way with my eyes closed. Stomped upstairs, lay on the bed and napped for three hours.

And now I'm up. I'm not particularly hungry, but I'm getting there fast. I feel completely refreshed and not sore in the least. No, not even in the hindquarters.

People, a colonoscopy is not a big deal AT ALL. If you're due but you're nervous about the whole ordeal, just stop. Getting a tooth filled was worse. Having my dislocated finger reset was worse. Biting my lip accidentally while eating spaghetti last week was far, far worse.

Today was like a Will Ferrell movie. An awful lot of noise and anticipation leading up to the big event, but ultimately nothing to write home about and quickly forgotten.

A huge thanks to my colorectal surgeon, Dr. Timothy Adams of Delaware Surgical. He is awesome, professional, communicative, patient and personable. And as always, the nursing staff at Millard Fillmore Suburban were top-notch, answering all my questions and politely laughing at my jokes.

So, get out there and scope those fannies!