Sugar-Free Symphony

We came for a birthday
We came for some cake!
A big slab of chocolate --
I'll always partake

I sat with my fork
And my plate at the ready.
"Come on! Pass the cake
Please! I'm hungry already!"

But Karen said something
That left me uneasy
"It's made without sugar."
My stomach got queasy.

"A sugar-less cake? Why
I think that I'll pass.
A flavor-less cake is
More likely," I sassed.

"Why don't you just try it,
You big, whiny wuss.
And if you don't like it
That leaves more for us!"

I took a small sliver
While everyone stared.
I winced as I bit it.
"Not bad!" I declared.

My eyes were wide open!
And for the first time
I'd tasted a sugar-free
Food quite divine!

A sugar-free cake can be
Tasty and yummy!
"I need more delicious cake
Here, in my tummy!"

My mouth was in heaven
I couldn't believe it!
I ate fourteen pieces.
It's hard to conceive it!

My belly was bursting
My chewer was sore
I took half a sick day
And dragged out the door.

Suddenly queasy.
I couldn't deny
That eating so much cake
Would simply not fly.

A gurgling, a churning
Was burning my guts
Perhaps fourteen pieces
Of cake was plain nuts?

I jumped in my Saturn
And sped off for home.
My belly protested
For driving too slow.

I weaved through stopped traffic,
Careened at high speed
If I didn't hurry
New boxers, I'd need.

I pulled in my driveway
My bowels I implored:
"Please hold back the torrent
'Til I'm in the door!"

I raced to the throne room
To pay for my greed
Without a good book
Or newspaper to read.

That cake got its payback.
That cake beat me silly.
I made better music
Than Milli Vanilli.

Trumpets and clarinets!
Flutes and trombones!
A little off key, yes,
But masterful tone.

A half hour later
My song was complete.
It wasn't a tune
That I'd care to repeat.

I pulled up my britches
But just for a minute;
My belly insisted
It had more horns in it!

My trumpet was aching
My trombone was sore.
But it didn't matter --
Here came the encore!

The concert continued
New instruments born!
Piccolos! Glockenspiels!
Oboes! French horns!

Two hours roared by
With nary a break.
No one expects this
From mere chocolate cake.

At last, it was over.
The concert was done.
I thought my first symphony
Should be more fun.

I lay on a pillow,
My tush off the floor;
I couldn't sit down 'cause
My tuba was sore.

The next day I wondered:
Who would volunteer
That they too had written
Étude for the Rear?

I soon learned three others
Complained of the blast
That they detonated
When through them, cake passed.

We wanted some answers!
We called the cake vendor.
"What made us so boisterous?"
"Perhaps, it was Splenda?"

"The Splenda!" we cried, "Why
That sugar-free powder
Is what made my evening
Stupendously louder!"

Eat sugar-free cake, friends
But know just the same
That when you are done
Please -- avoid open flames